The Cardinal Sin of Relationships January 30, 2007

Xx, 

I would be lying if I told you I hadn’t thought about you. I remember those enormous sunglasses you were wearing the first time I saw you; you thought you looked so sophisticated and I couldn’t help but fall in love with you and your naivety. And I fell instantly. I was enthralled by your goodness. And from the moment I started loving you, I couldn’t imagine a life without you in it. I know sometimes you doubted, you were unsure of my love, but I want you to know now that it was always real. I can say it now because I have nothing to gain: I always loved you. And for what it’s worth (probably nothing to you): I still love you.

I realize now how hard-headed I was. I realize now that I made so many mistakes with you. I also realize it was my own fault that your love for me ended. I drained it. I remember you use to say: “love is like a plant, you have to water it every day”. And I didn’t. And I know that now. I pushed you away so many times. I took you for granted. You were right to leave me. I just wish you had given me a second chance. I did beg. I did promise you I would be a better man. Why didn’t you take me back? Did I really destroy all the love you had for me? Was there not even an ounce left for us to try to rebuild our life together? Or was it pride?  

I hated you for not giving ”us” another try. I hated that you were so cold. Isn’t that ironic? I managed to tarnish our relationship and drain your love for me by being cold myself, and in the end I was cursing you for treating me exactly how I treated you. One of my life’s many ironies.

I don’t know why I decided today of all days to write you. I don’t know why today I miss you more than ever. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to love anyone since you’ve been gone. Today, I feel like I have to try one more time to get you back. Please Xx, come back. It’s never too late to be happy. Let’s try to be happy together. Lets live out all those dreams we had. Please come back. Please come back. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of missing you. I’m tire of being half the man I know I can be.

Please, after all this time, forgive this foolish man and come back to me.

Yours Always, 

Xy.

I don’t want to be them January 26, 2007

I saw my father kiss another woman when I was six years old. An inappropriate, passionate kiss. He knew my younger sister and I were only a few feet away and still he decided to risk destroying his family, his image in our eyes and traumatizing his little girls, for a sloppy kiss on a boat. I didn’t let my little sister see him. I was just a little girl, just a sweet, innocent little girl but I knew, I knew what he was doing was wrong and I didn’t want her to feel what I was feeling as my father’s image was shattered beyond repair. I still remember that feeling, I still remember worrying for weeks if I had done the right thing by not telling my mother. I was so afraid. I was so afraid she would not believe me and then hate me forever. I was so afraid if she did believe me, she would hate me anyway for giving her such terrible news. I realized years later that my father’s infidelity was probably no secret to my mother. He had a particular penchant for his secretaries and my mother suffered in silence. I cried at night wishing he would just disappear from our lives. He was aggressive toward my mother, he hit me, he kept his money from us, he was a liar, a cheater and a sorry excuse for a human being. And one day, my wish came true, he was gone. And it nearly killed my mother. She was devastated beyond repair. He left us without a dollar to our name, left my mother on the street and started her on a horrible path toward illness, chronic depression and near death.

I never want to be my father. I never want to hurt someone who loves me. I never want to cheat. I never want to destroy something so precious in life as love, family and a child’s innocence. I never want to be my mother. I never want to feel the devastation of infidelity. I never want to worry, wondering whether my husband will be coming home at night. I never want to be taken for a fool.  

It was a sad day when I realized that I didn’t want to grow up to be like either of my parents. I will not make their same mistakes. I will not follow in their footsteps. I will live my life my way. I will never be taken for granted. I will never wallow in self pity. I will never hurt the man who loves me.
I will not repeat their mistakes, I will learn from them.

Re:solutions…A cynic’s guide to New Year’s resolutions. January 11, 2007

As we can not find solutions to our problems, we resolve to make resolutions. Promises made on a drunk December eve that barely make it through the first month of the year. (If even the first week.)
The most popular?

To lose weight.
To quit smoking.
To be a better person.
To spend more time with family.
To get out of debt.
Etc. etc. etc.

People promise these things to themselves year after year, and year after year they fail. And yet they feel obliged to begin the first day of every year, full of half-hearted enthusiasm and lack luster will.

Is it really possible to get out of debt in one year? Probably not. The average US household has $9,000 in credit card debt alone, add a mortgage to that and you are insane if you think you can get out of debt in one year. Especially since most of us are underpaid.

If you need to lose weight then you are probably over weight, which means you are not a big fan of the gym and ARE a big fan of McDonalds; so your chances of really losing any significant amount of weight during this year are slim. (jejeje.) 

Quit smoking? Why? Smoking is cool. We all have to die of something, right? So you might as well just die a slow, painful death from Emphysema, gasping until your last breath.

Now, let’s see, “Spending more time with your family,” I imagine that if you don’t spend time with them now it’s because you probably don’t like them too much and therefore prefer to spend every single moment you can at your office. So let’s be honest, that resolution is really a throw away. Who needs family when you’ve got Excel spreadsheets!

And lastly: Be a better person. HA! The lazy-man’s resolution. You really can’t think of anything else you’re willing to commit to do, so you decide to just announce to the world that you will be a better person. Again, if you need to resolve to be a better person it’s because you are a bad person. And if you’re a bad person then you’re probably lying about wanting to be a better person. BUSTED!

Don’t make resolutions. Find SOLUTIONS. Fix what you can, learn to live with what you can’t.

Dawning of a brand new day January 5, 2007

A new year dawned on me a top the crater of a 10,000 foot volcano in paradise. The bitter cold and harsh wind only added to the epic experience of being completely surrounded, as far as the eye could see,  by altostratus clouds. Before the spherical sun danced on to the stage of a new year, it made its presence known by invading the horizon with a deeply vibrant array of colors.  After making the crowd wait for hours, once it was ready, the king of the sky thrust into morning and announced the arrival of a brand new day.

Location: The crater of Haleakala volcano. Maui, Hawaii
Date: Sunrise, January 1, 2007