…And I muster up my strength, so I can talk to you as I know best, without holding back, with my heart in my hand.
…And I’ve decided to do everything I’ve never done before, to open all doors, to have no regrets.
…And I hope you’ve started hearing that quiet voice that screams at you, in a silent attempt to make you understand: you make me feel so good that the whole world tends to disappear…
…to disappear…
…along with my fear…
…And August 16, 2006
Slaughter House 5 August 11, 2006
It is astonishing how disgusting some people can be. I can not yet understand how a person, conceived in an act of love, can grow up to be a hate-filled, evil demon. I do not believe in hell, yet sometimes I wish there was a hell, so that these terrorist pigs could pay for what they do. (And I’ll add, a hell like Dante’s Inferno, NOT like Sartre’s, even that hideous hell portrayed in “No Exit” is far too good for these bottom feeders.)
But alas, I do not truly believe in hell, I believe in Karma, I believe that what you do in this life, you pay in this life. But my theory is hurt severely by suicide bombers because they die before ever having to pay for their sins.These despicable men commit mass murder for no other reason than the fact that they are rage-filled, irrational maniacs, and yet they suffer no consequences for their acts. It’s baffling. When I think of this, I try to find solace in the hope that perhaps their is another life after death (not in heaven, but rather on this same Earth) and that they will reincarnate in the form of the pigs that they are and be slaughtered for bacon as they deserve. And if there is no hell, and no reincarnation, and these men genuinely are never made to pay for their sins, then I must tell you that there is something very wrong with this world of ours.
Cynicism August 5, 2006
Cynical: 1. Skeptical of the motives of others.
2. Negative or pessimistic
3. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity.
Cynic: (Modern definition) A person who belives all people are motivated by selfishness.
In ancient Greek times, a Cynic was a member of a sect of Philosophers who believed virtue to be the only good and self-control to be the only means of achieving said virtue. The meaning of the word and its association with a somewhat negative concept came from a belief that in their pursuit of virute, cynics pointed out the flaws in others. This idea of ‘fault finding’ could easily lead to the belief held by cynics of today that selfishness determines human behavior. (In other words, that everyone is out for themselves.)
I have become somewhat of a cynic. (My own personalized version.) I am skeptical of the motives of others, I can be pessimistic, I am jaded. But this cynicism is not in my DNA. It is a feeling that has sprouted inside me due to the circumstances life has thrown my way. It is a feeling I dislike, a feeling I am trying to eliminate from my life. I want to believe that life is not out to get me. I want to believe that there ARE people out there who really do care. I want to be able to take people at their word and not be disappointed.
It’s a process:
Melting this frozen heart.
Breaking down this armor I’ve put up around myself.
Tearing down these walls.
It is a process I have decided to embark on and I can see the pale glimmer of a lighthouse in the distance.
I will not be cynical. (But I will not be naive.) I will be open but alert. And perhaps I will find a way to unjade this troubled heart and believe in magic once more.
Heart of Darkness August 1, 2006
You’ve been dancing in my mind
As if you’re trying to find
A way to invade every part of me,
Every single space that is still free,
Every centimeter of my skin
Who I am and where I’ve been.
Can you find your way in the dark?
Can you possibly erase the mark
left by those who came before
those who began this terrible war
inside my cold cold heart…
