So, I have essentially lost the best thing about living in Miami, my friend Claudia. I didn't lose her per se, I introduced her to my friend Diego, they fell madly in love and decided 1 month after meeting (2 weeks after dating) to get married, and now she has moved away to Los Angeles where he lives. It all happened so quickly. It is no secret that it has not been easy for me to adjust to life in Miami. So many variables come into this equation, that I will not try to sit and identify the main cause of this difficulty. It is simply not what I expected. Period. End of story. Yet, the one absolutely positively best thing about it (other than being near my family) has been my friend Claudia. We have taken this town by storm. We have the best of times every weekend, whether partying or doing nothing in particular, there is never a dull moment…We understand eachother, we complete eachother, we are non-identical twins separated at birth. (She's short, I'm tall, she's a brunette, I'm a blonde, yet somehow we share the same vision, the same fears, the same phobias, the same loves, it is really quite remarkable.)
And now the other half of the Dynamic Duo has gone away. Saying goodbye Friday night was as hard as I had imagined. In fact, my entire natural defense system started dettaching myself from her about two weeks before she left. In my twisted mind I probably subconciously thought that if I began the rupture NOW it wouldn't be so hard LATER. Well, I was fooling myself, it was as hard or HARDER, and I essentially missed out on spending the last two weeks with my friend. Terrible planning by my subconcious. But that is how things transpired and that is what I somehow felt I needed to do.
I have a very hard time allowing people to get close to me. I have trouble trusting. I'm very particular about who I allow to enter my life and become a part of it. So, the people that I actually have near me, that are a part of my life, I really love. I really cherish. I really respect. I have tried letting my guard down a little, but every time I do, 9 out of 10 times, I am disappointed, so it's getting harder and harder to do so. People just never turn out to be what they seem. They sell me this 'ideal' of themselves and then they never live up to it. Maybe it's because I am, in essence, an idealist, that I idealize people. (Or let them sell me on this "ideal" of themselves). I give them more credit than they deserve, and hence I am unequivocally setting them up for failure. (And myself for disappointment.) So what to do? Old habits do die terribly hard and I can't magically change who circumnstances have turned me into.
In any case, this isn't really meant to be an exploratory tour into my psyche, all I really want to say is that life in Miami as I know it, will never be the same, and that, my friends, is a very sad reality. Ma vie est une grande réalité.
