Sabotage is a game I used to play.
A game I invented.
A game I was a GENIUS at.
A game that is stupid. A game I hate. A concept I hate. I loathe. I detest.
When I got scared or felt myself getting too close to someone or felt too committed in a relationship, OR felt that the ‘other person’ was probably going to leave or disappoint me or let me down, what I would do was start my Sabotage Campaign. It consisted mainly of angering the other person in very passive aggressive ways. If I could get them REALLY REALLY REALLY angry with only one move, soooooooo angry that they immediately told me to go to hell or better yet, just simply DISAPPEARED from my life, then I had won the Sabotage Game in a KNOCK OUT.
Sabotage is the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. It encompasses all my fears and insecurities. I never did it conciously. It was a reflex. Instinct. My version of survival of the fittest. When I realized what I was doing I STOPPED. I am an adult. I have a voice, there is no need to sabotage, if I am feeling afraid, insecure, if I am falling out of love, or in love, or I’m just not that into him I HAVE TO USE MY VOICE, not some ridiculous sabotage campaign so that when the guy leaves or when he disappears I can somehow feel less guilty because I wasn’t the one that left him…
SABOTAGE IS IN MY PAST.
The only reason I’m even thinking about it today is because I have some strong doubts whether something I did this week is sabotage or not…I hope not. Because I’m working hard every day to NOT close myself or my heart to ANY opportunities. I don’t want to sabotage ANYTHING for myself. If I did perpetrate some sort of sabotage move- the only reason my subconcious would have done it (in this specific case) was because I felt myself getting attached to someone and I didn’t feel I was being corresponded. Old habits die hard. But I REALLY HOPE THE SUBCONCIOUS THOUGHT PROCESS BEHIND MY ACTS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH SABOTAGE, because sabotage is a word I hate. It’s a concept I hate. It just shouldn’t exist.
Sabotage December 30, 2005
Mamma Drama December 29, 2005
Mamma Drama continues… I never have a moment of peace. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Sometimes I wish I could just have a semblance of a normal life! Yesterday I got some bad news. My aunt called me in the middle of the day and said she had to tell me something that she knew was going to be tough to hear but that it was her duty to tell me. I immediately started freaking out. She said that while my mom was hospitalized she had asked another doctor to go see her. (I know this doctor VERY well since he operated on me when I had a tumor in my left ovary, and who knows my mother because he was her doctor for many many years until my mother decided one day for no logical reason that she hated him and never went to see him again.) She told me that he had gone to see her and that he had looked over her chart and even discussed it with another doctor, and that in his professional opinion her state was CRITICAL. This is one of the MANY examples he gave: normal levels of bilirubin (waste product that results from the breakdown of hemoglobin molecules from worn out red blood cells) range from .1 – 1.2, with 1.2 being on the HIGH end. My mother’s bilirubin levels are at 15! 15!!!!!! He said that no matter what the other doctor said (whom he respects and admires), or how optimistic he might me, her liver had ZERO function and that a human being NEEDS a liver to live. He said that he believes in God and miracles but that a medical miracle HAS NOT occurred with my mother and that she is still as sick as she was before and during her hospitalization. He also said that unfortunately even if there was a liver available tomorrow for her she would not be able to get a transplant because she has close to zero defenses in her body, is still too weak, and she would not survive the operation. She is also not yet a candidate for a transplant for other reasons. SO, that was my pleasant afternoon conversation yesterday. Of course it ruined my day. It didn’t make it any better when I called my mom and all she did was complain about my grandmother for the 1,285th time this week. And then when I didn’t agree with all her complaints, she got upset with me. UGGGGGGHHH. I just want PEACE. I want my mom to get healthy. I want her to realize that if it weren’t for my grandmother SHE’D BE OUT ON THE STREET SO HOW ABOUT BEING A LITTLE GRATEFUL FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE! But of course I don’t say anything. I just stay quiet and tell her I love her and that I’ll call her later because I’m sooooo very busy at this moment. And then I hang up and deal with it on my own. At the end of the day, she’s my mamma, even with all the drama……..
Voyeurism in Reverse December 28, 2005
Someone asked me if they could share my blog with someone else and I found it quite cute that they’d ask. My answer was, of course, “YES. Pass it on to whomever you like.” If I’m doing this, If I’m exposing my thoughts and feelings, my fears, my angst, my WORLD, it’s not only for specific eyes. It’s for all eyes. I can’t put something on the web and then decide who I want to read it. That’s why it took me so long in the first place to start a blog. I really wanted to write one, but I was so afraid of exposing myself, that I just couldn’t do it. And I kept thinking, if I’m going to do it, I have to do it RIGHT or I might as well not do it at all. And then one day I woke up and just started. There is a certain adrenaline rush in knowing that other people, people I’ve never met, are learning about my life. It’s voyeurism in reverse. I’m allowing others to peak into my life, into me. (I guess you call that exhibitionism, but I don’t like the word exhibitionist because it has a sexual connotation. I like my term better: voyeurism in reverse.
SUBJECT CHANGE: In relationships, I’ve always always always put the other person ahead of me. I sort of forget about my needs and focus on the other person. But I don’t want to be like that anymore. NO! THAT GIRL HAS CHECKED OUT! I don’t want to put up with ANYTHING anymore. If someone wants to be with me they better treat me like I deserve, and give me the attention I deserve, or else they’re just going to lose me. That’s why I hate excuses, because I’ve heard them ALL before. (I’ve GIVEN THEM all before!) And the bottom line is: If you REALLY want someone in your life- you do WHATEVER it takes. I’ve seen it with my own eyes with my guy friends. I’ve seen them get on planes and fly half way across the world for a girl, or make that 3am phone call because they just couldn’t resist, or spend ridiculous amounts of money on a present ‘just because’, or plan amazingly romantic surprises, I’ve SEEN ONE DRIVE FROM NEW YORK CITY TO GUATEMALA just to show her what he’d be willing to do for her. Another male friend, really liked this Latin girl and he started taking Spanish lessons because he knew it was important to her even though she never said anything. I’VE SEEN WHAT GUYS DO FOR GIRLS THEY LIKE. When a guy likes you, he shows it. He goes out of his way. And if he DOESN’T SHOW YOU, then all I can say is: HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU. Because men that are REALLY INTO someone, show it every single day. So, if he’s not showing it, he’s probably not feeling it, so just be realistic and don’t get attached. Women make the mistake of judging men by their words and not their actions. “Ooooh, he said he loved me and he missed me”, “He said I was different from all the other girls he’s met”, “He said I was his soul mate and that I completed him” WHATEVER. We need to judge men as they judge EACHOTHER: by their ACTIONS. Words are nice, but if they aren’t consistent with their actions, then they aren’t worth anything.
I am the first to advocate being open to new experiences, to new love, to new relationships, but I am also coming to the point where I’m realizing WE MUST BE REALISTIC. And I say this to my guy friends too. If a girl doesn’t give you the right signs PLEASE back off. So, before we get too attached, let’s read the signs- let’s NOT misinterpret phone calls for liking OR niceness for attraction. Let’s interpret things the right way, let’s not make excuses for them or LET THEM GIVE US EXCUSES OF ANY KIND. Just be realistic. And why not give a chance to that cutey you met, who calls every day, sent you a Christmas surprise, and wants to spend New Years Eve with you…
First Kiss December 27, 2005
Christmas has come and gone and now it’s full steam ahead toward New Year’s Eve… The biggest let-down of the year. You plan and plan and plan for the perfect New Year’s Eve celebration and inevitably it NEVER lives up to your expectations. So, I never plan. It’s only a few nights away and I still don’t know what I’m going to do and I it’s ok, because that way I can’t be disappointed if it sucks, because I really didn’t put any effort into it NOT sucking. Atleast I know I’ll be surrounded by a few good friends and that in itself is a treat. Oh, and then there’s of course that “American” tradition of kissing someone (ANYONE) at midnight. In Colombia we have a more romantic version (not very well known but I swear I didn’t invent it) that whoever you kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve is the person you’ll be kissing for the rest of the year… I like this theory, BUT, what if you don’t kiss anyone on New Year’s Eve, OR, what if you kiss the wrong person?…THEN the theory becomes a little scary. In any case, if you are lucky enough to be able to spend New Year’s Eve with someone incredible MAKE SURE to start kissing them at 11:59pm and don’t stop until 12:01am JUST IN CASE. What better way to start a year than with a kiss? What better way to start ANYTHING than with a kiss? Is it starting to sound like I really like kissing? Well, who doesn’t? But not just kissing any random idiot that thinks I’m cute. Because a first kiss can be one of the best memories you can have with a person. And the BEST BEST BEST first kiss you’ll ever have is when you REALLY REALLY like someone, when the chemistry is undeniable, when the anticipation is INTENSE, and when you find yourself thinking: “If he doesn’t kiss me RIGHT NOW, I THINK I’M GOING TO EXPLODE.” And then it happens and it’s like you can suddenly breathe again and you never want to stop and you feel SO HAPPY that he IS a good kisser (there was a 50/50 chance) and it feels like you’ve known that mouth, those lips, that tongue forever and yet everything is new. And the world stops aroud you. And time stops still. And all you can think is: “I never want this kiss to end.”
There’s No Such Place As Far Away December 23, 2005
This has been a year of MANY changes in my life. A year of letting go. A year of loss. A year of moving on. A year of fear & uncertainty. It has been emotional. It has been tough. It has marked me forever.
I have learned many things this year, about myself, about others, about the world around me. I’ve learned who I can count on, who loves me FOR ME, I’ve learned how tough I am, I’ve learned not to apologize for who I am, I’ve learned that love can’t be unconditional because at the very least, the minimum condition is that you be loved back. I’ve learned that people can be very ungrateful but that I never want to be. I’ve learned that it is always better to say what’s on my mind. I’ve learned that there is no such place as far away. I’ve learned that when you love someone, you fight for them. I’ve learned that excuses are lies. I’ve learned that when you hear excuses you don’t ask for, you’re hearing lies. I’ve learned that EVERYONE has 5 minutes. I’ve learned that when you want something you go after it. I’ve learned that I CAN love again, I’ve learned that a broken heart eventually heals, I’ve learned that walls were made to be torn down, I’ve learned that friendship sometimes turns into a one way street. I’ve learned that there are some admirable things about me, I’ve learned that I JUST WANT TO FEEL, I’ve learned that there are still SO many things I want to do, I’ve learned that I’ll never stop dreaming, I’ve learned that I CAN LET GO!!! I’ve learned that some people think I’m beautiful even in my pijamas with no makeup and bad hair, I’ve learned that looks fade and that it’s better to have a beautiful heart than a beautiful face, I’ve learned that my brain is my biggest asset, I’ve learned that sometimes other people JUST DON’T GET IT, I’ve learned that New York City is the best city on earth and will always be home to me no matter where I live, I’ve learned that no matter how crazy my mom makes me sometimes, I adore her and I never ever want her to die, I’ve learned that new friends can become ‘old friends’ very quickly, I’ve learned that when there is chemistry between two people you can see the sparks, I’ve learned that someone who makes me cry doesn’t deserve to be in my life, I’ve learned that someone that makes me smile deserves a chance, I’ve finally accepted the fact that I am a ‘CONSENTIDA’ and there is NOTHING I can do about it, I’ve learned that MEXICO ROCKS, I’ve learned that it’s ok if other people don’t like me and it’s ok if they do, I’ve learned that a life without love is not worth living, I’ve learned that I can’t make my heart forget, or feel, and that it does whatever it wants at its own pace, I’ve also learned that my heart doesn’t understand geography, and that it’s terrible at understanding time, But I’ve learned it’s a good heart, a strong heart, and that I need to take care of it because it’s the only one I’ve got. I’ve learned that being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely and that being lonely doesn’t mean I’m alone. I’ve learned that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and that I have NO DAY BUT TODAY. I’ve learned that the best way to measure a year is in love.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANNUKAH, HAPPY KWANZAA, and FESTIVUS ‘For the Rest of Us’ !!!
Mamma Mia Let Me Go December 22, 2005
Mom is back home. Hallelujah. But, the drama continues. She is still torturing my grandmother about EVERYTHING. The hospital bill is ENORMOUS (even with a discount we got for knowing one of the owners of the hospital) and instead of looking for a SOLUTION like a normal human being, all my mother can think of saying is: “I didn’t ask to be hospitalized.” As if to say: it’s not my problem. NOTHING is ever her problem. Her life is EVERYBODY’S problem except her own. For 3 days the doctors thought she wouldn’t make it. She was practically DEAD. They saved her life!!!!! And all she can say is: “I didn’t ask to be hospitalized.” URGHHHHHHH! And of course, I’m a horrible daughter because I don’t have thousands of dollars in my bank account to just pay the bill and end the drama. Doesn’t she realize that IF I COULD, I WOULD! Doesn’t she understand that it kills me to know what my grandmother is going through!!! And since she’s never had to worry about ANYTHING EVER IN HER ENTIRE LIFE she doesn’t understand what it’s like to have to work and work and work just so you can pay off debt and bills and survive…
She clings to me, and when I don’t have the magic solution to everything, I’m a bad person. And when I suggest she do something to try and help the situation she thinks I’m an idiot. I can never win. It’s like a Vegas casino: THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS. She’s ‘the house’ and we all are the poor shmuck gamblers that lose it all. And yet I love her with all my heart. She is my mamma after all. My only parent. The woman who gave me everything in life that matters: culture, manners, worldliness…. I adore her and I don’t want to lose her EVER. I don’t want my mommy to die. But I also don’t want her to drive me or Nena,my grandmother, CRAZY.
Seascape With Sharks and Dancer December 21, 2005
I want to produce a play in Miami. FYI: there is NO theater culture in Miami. So I want to do something that is VERY HARD to do. I have the play I want. I have a producer, I have the two actors (myself and one of my friends- it’s a two person play), I may or may not direct it depending on whether the producer decides she wants to direct. The producer, even has a theater in mind. I REALLY want this to happen. I NEED to do something that I feel passionate about to see if I start liking this city more. A play would be PHENOMENAL. Getting back into rehersal mode and on stage would be such a rush.
Yesterday I found out my friend’s dad died. I had seen him Friday, and we had danced the night away; in fact I even gave him salsa lessons, and yesterday we met up for dinner to say goodbye because he was going home for X-mas and New Year’s, and we’re just talking about how we both want this year to END. And I was saying that this year was full of unpleasant things for me- the ultimate END of my 2 1/2 year tormented on/off relationship, being broke, the end of my life in NYC, selling everything I own, driving down to Miami ALONE, Living in Miami and NOT ADAPTING so easily, my mother’s illness, all the stress surrounding her & my grandmother & hospitlas & bills, etc etc etc….And well he was saying that he was glad the year was coming to an end too because of this and that and the other, and he says “…and my dad’s death”. And I jumped! WHAT? When did your dad die? And he said: “A week and a half ago.” I froze. I couldn’t believe it. Which meant that when I saw him Friday, his dad was already dead and he said NOTHING… I felt so sad. I also felt VERY identified, being that it has been touch and go with my own mother’s life for a few days. He seemed so calm… Maybe he was at peace with him and they both knew how they felt about eachother so he has no qualms about his sudden death. Maybe he’s in denial. Maybe he’s not externalizing his feelings. Whatever it is, I hope he realizes that he has a friend he can count on for ANYTHING. Because he is so happy and fun and up beat all the time that I’m sure he finds it hard to really open up and ‘vent’…. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just clueless and should mind my own business.
ANYWAY…2 days until Christmas Eve. Or, if I count today, 3 days. I just really want this year to END. And guess what? This is the end. In the words of the INCOMPARABLE Jim Morrison:
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end
Vulnerability December 20, 2005
Vulnerable: Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.
We often leave our selves vulnerable to the world around us and don’t seem to mind. We walk around late at night with money in our wallets, we participate in high risk activities such as racing cars, sky diving, bungee jumping… I myself recently had a near death experience on a roller coaster in Los Angeles, and until this moment I hadn’t even thought about it twice. We leave our selves vulnerable to PHYSICAL injury every day of our lives. By having that cigarette, or using those drugs, or getting into that car drunk… BUT, when it comes to leaving ourselves emotionally vulnerable, most of us are MUCH more careful. With our feelings and emotions we play it safe; with our lives, we are a bit more wreckless….HOW CAN THIS BE?? Is it really much easier to jump out of an airplane where there is the inherent possibility that we could die, than to tell another human being how we feel about them? Is our fear of being seen as emotionally vulnerable, or worse, of leaving ourselves vulnerable to attack (i.e. NOT BEING CORRESPONDED) so unbearable? I think we’re put on earth to FEEL, to LIVE, to LOVE… and for this you have to leave yourself somewhat vulnerable. You have to OPEN UP. Because when we’re 80 years old we will not remember those days we showed up on time at the office, or what grade we got on one of the 2,000 finals we took in our life time, or even what the score was of that game we just HAD to watch…But what we will remember will be the moments that took our breath away. The moments that made us stop in our tracks. The moments that shook us up. The moments that opened our eyes. The moments that mades us laugh. That made us cry. That made us FEEL. Feel alive. Feel love. Feel invincible. Feel happier than ever. Sadder than ever. We’ll remember a touch, a kiss, a look, a sound, a smell, a moment that is forever frozen in our minds and that is only ours. We’ll remeber finding love, and losing love, and finding love, and losing it again, and thinking we could never love again, UNTIL that magic moment when life smiled on us and ‘the one’ walked into our lives and we knew. And no matter what happened in life we would not let this person go. Becuase love, like life, is a struggle, a battle…. But if we never leave our selves vulnerable emotionally, the only memories we will have when we are 80 will be of getting horribly drunk with friends, random/meaningless one night stands that we can’t even remember that well because we were drunk, always showing up to work on time, and whether we got a B or a B+ on our final (WHO CARES!) Is that really what we want to be thinking about when we’re 80? I didn’t think so…….
Longing For Something December 20, 2005
My friend Rodrigo took this picture of me recently in L.A. When I look at it, it makes me feel like I’m in the middle of the Sahara Desert, in some other time, longing for something…
Tus Calles December 19, 2005
Monday Monday. Is it fair that there are five work days a week and only 2 weekend days? Shouldn't it be a bit more balanced? Like 4 work days and 3 weekend days? Weekends fly. I don't know why. On Friday it was my friend Claudia's birthday and we went out to PARTY. We had soooooooo much fun. It really is amazing to just let loose and dance and dance and dance and have fun and dance and sing and dance and drink and dance. One funny thing that happened: I was dancing with this guy that was in the group with us, and since it was a latin place we were dancing CLOSE and the guy's 'THING' kept poking my leg. It was very gross and uncomfortable and distracting. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or throw up. I tried to separate my right leg a little from him but he kept pulling me closer. I think the guy was going COMANDO because I've never ever had something get in the way SO MUCH while I'm dancing as this guy's THING.
It's almost Christmas. I feel so sad for my mamma. I think she'll be out of the hospital tomorrow. Which actually SCARES me. I don't even want to know what her homecoming is going to be like. My poor grandmother is petrified. I just don't know what else to do. I feel so powerless. My entire life has become overshadowed by my mother's illness. I'm afraid the phone will ring at any minute with some horrible news. And what I hate the most is EVERYBODY has an opinion. EVERYBODY. It's so annoying. And my sister of course is LOST in lalaland or who knows where. I've left her like 5 messages and she won't call me back. I don't even think she calls my mother to the hospital because yesterday she called my aunt to ask for the number. Her only priority in life is her social life.
ANYWAY…Thought I'd share one of my Spanish poems:
Tus Calles
Camino por las calles que son tuyas
(Como yo)
Y respiro tus aromas cotidianos
Tan ajenos a mi
(Tan míos)
Como todo lo tuyo.
Me pierdo en tus calles
(Como me perdí en tí)
extrañas
idénticas
Y te veo en cada esquina
En cada hombre que me mira
Con ganas de tenerme
(Como yo a ti)
Ignoro sus miradas
penetrantes
alumbrantes
Y sigo mi rumbo sin destino
Sin conocer el camino
Alejandome de ti
Cuando mas cerca te tengo
La luna casi llena me mira con tristeza
Hoy está solitaria
(Como yo)
Y me acompaña.
Intenta guiarme hacia ti
Pero no hay caso
Estoy perdida
(Como antes en tus ojos)
Ahora lo estoy en ti.
Y en tus extrañas
e idénticas
calles.
Suffocation is a horrible way of dying December 16, 2005
Yesterday I was insulted by my mother’s doctor. He said that why did I have to wait until my mother was dying in her room to do something about it. I wanted to kill him. He has NO IDEA! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He doesn’t know how long we’ve been trying/begging/pleading with her to go to the hospital. He said in no uncertain terms that it was my fault she was in the state she was in and that it was my fault I let it get this far. I was in tears. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. EVERYONE’S LIFE IS THERE OWN RESPONSABILITY. PLUS, he has no idea what he’s talking about because we have been trying but it has been impossible. What does he know about my pain or suffering!?!?! What right does he have!???! He said other horrible things to me that I won’t even waste my time recalling because I don’t want to keep contaminating myself with his negative energy.
SUBJECT CHANGE: Yesterday I confronted someone about their attitude toward me. Mainly about their CHANGE in attitude and treatment toward me. I wasn’t planning on doing it. It just sort of happened. I didn’t call him, he didn’t call me, I was on the phone with someone else and we somehow ended up on the phone with eachother and I just started talking. We later had a more private conversation and I just told him, as a life lesson, that the only thing a man has is his word, and that in my eyes he had no word. And that the person he had presented to me initially was NOT the person he had turned out to be. I went on and on and I really let it all out and I just spoke my mind. And, apparently, I made him open his eyes. He had put up a wall to protect himself and not let anyone penetrate and he was not being the person he truly is. He said no one had ever called him on it before and that he was so happy and thankful that I had, and that I had really given his day a 180 degree turn. Right now I don’t know if I did or I didn’t. I hope I did. I hope I opened his eyes. I hope what he was saying yesterday was true. And even if I never talk to him again, I hope I made him realize that if you build a wall around yourself the only thing you will do is suffocate. And suffocation is a horrible way of dying.
How should I know who’s blood it is? December 15, 2005
My mom had her first blood transfusion today. She was petrified. She was afraid they would put in the wrong blood type. To be honest, I was a little scared too. You here about these kinds of things all the time. It was so gut wrenching to hear her so scared and sad and scattered. She wasn’t all together ‘there’. She was telling me that she couldn’t find the TV’s remote. And I was telling her to wait a little bit until the nurse came and ask her to look for it. (My mother is so weak she can not even get up to go to the bathroom on her own.) So we’re having this very mundane conversation about the remote and all of a sudden she starts saying something about COMCEL. (COMCEL is a cell phone company in Colombia. Like T-Mobile in the U.S.) And she says that Patty (my aunt) took the phone to COMCEL to get fixed or something like that. I was SO confused. So I said: “Mami, what are you talking about? We were talking about the remote.” And she said that I was confused and sort of ignored my comment. The other thing that worried me was before the transfusion when I asked her: “Mami, what blood type are you?” (I know what blood type she is, she’s A+, like me, I was asking to see how ’sharp’ she was.) And she said: “I don’t know. The doctor’s don’t tell me anything.” And I said: “Mamita, the doctor’s don’t have to tell you, you should know. What blood type are you?” And she said: “I don’t know. The doctor hasn’t told me.” I went on: “Mami, what blood type have you been your whole life. What blood type is printed on your driver’s license?” (In Colombia Driver’s Licenses have your blood type on them.) And she answered: “Oh, A+, I thought you were asking me, who’s blood they were going to put into me.” I was dumbstruck. Not only because she didn’t understand what I was asking, but because the blood is coming from a blood bank, how could she possible know who’s it is, so why would I even ask that… I sent her flowers yesterday and she is so moved by them. 3 dozen red roses. They made her so happy. I wish they’d make her happy enough to stop harassing my granmother. She calls her all the time and says she wants her to die and that she hates her. And my poor 80 year old grandmother is having a nervous breakdown. She can’t even get out of bed from the anxiety attack all this is causing her and the angst of not having money to pay for it all, and my mother keeps telling her she wants her dead. Life is so unfair. I hope my mother doesn’t live to regret her words. Or even worse, that she lives to hear the same words from her daughters. Yesterday she said that I had no idea how hard it was to have a mother like hers. And I said: “You’re right, I don’t. But you have no idea how incredibly hard it was to have a mother like YOU.” I’ve become the mother. I listen to that Kelly Clarkson song ‘Because of You’ and I feel completely identified…. Because of You I am AFRAID. My biggest fear, other than losing my mother, is becoming like her.
Hospitalized December 13, 2005
My mom was hospitalized yesterday. After years of begging her to do SOMETHING to get better she decided to let her self be persuaded to go. She needs a blood transfusion and a liver transplant and it’s still unclear exactly how long she’s going to be in the hospital, but at least SHE’S THERE! She can’t hurt herself there or continue hurting my grandmother (as much), and she can FINALLY start to get better. I’m just afraid she’ll put up with it for a few days and then just say to hell with the blood work and the tests and the transfusions, I’M LEAVING. And then all hope will be lost. My grandmother is practically broke. She is selling the paintings off the living room walls to be able to pay for my mother’s stay at the hospital. Because my mother can’t be at just any hospital, she has to be at the best, most CHIC hospital in town. And with no medical insurance to help out (it expired), my 80 year old grandmother is going insane trying to figure out a way to pay for my mom’s hospitalization. I phoned her yesterday. It’s so tough to be so far away. I wanted to tell her I was so happy to know she had decided she wanted to live and that she was going to get better. She treated me like shit. She was cold and nonchalant as if she was sitting at home and everything was normal in her life and between us. Nothing is normal. None of us are normal. She has changed that forever. She has scarred me forever.
Self Destruction Ends December 12, 2005
3:07am. I’ve destroyed what I love most about my self, my hair.
I wonder December 11, 2005
if the ‘you’ I met was just a scheme
and nothing you said is true.
